


This Was (Not) a Good Idea

by TimmyJaybird



Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU, Red Hood/Arsenal (Comics)
Genre: Humor, Lian is too smart for everyone, M/M, RedFam, jason and roy trying to be good dads, lots of pointless humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-13
Updated: 2016-08-13
Packaged: 2018-07-25 17:10:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7541056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TimmyJaybird/pseuds/TimmyJaybird
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lian wants a pet, and Jason and Roy finally agree to get her <i>something</i>.</p><p>Or, that fic where Jason and Roy replace a lot of dead fish and Lian is honestly too smart for their antics.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This Was (Not) a Good Idea

**Author's Note:**

> There was a post floating around tumblr about Lian getting a fish and like, all I could think of was this...

The question came against the sounds of Kids Baking Championship playing on the TV. Directly after Lian had asked Jason how many different cupcake recipes he had memorized, with absolutely no transition or warning.

 

“Can we get a pet?”

 

Jason glanced down at Lian, all nestled up into his side. She had a blanket snuggled up to her shoulders, wrapped up like a tiny  _ burrito _ in a way that had Jason inwardly laughing.

 

“What?” he asked, sure he had heard her wrong. From the kitchen, he heard Roy shutting whatever cupboard he had open, either done with the dishes and  _ putting them away _ \- something Jason had to remind him was a  _ part _ of the task, still- or he had heard, and was hopefully coming to help with the situation.

 

“A pet,” Lian said, wiggling her feet beneath the blanket. Jason could just see the movement. “Can we have one?”

 

“We do we need a pet?” Roy asked, walking into the room and leaning on the back of the couch, looking down at her.

 

“Yeah, we have your dad.”

 

“ _ Hey _ ,” Roy said, reaching over and playfully shoving at his husband’s head. “I’m personally offended.”

 

His smile told Jason he obviously wasn’t.

 

“Please?” Lian asked, tipping her head back so she could see Roy now. “Damian has pets.”

 

“Damian is older than you and has a  _ lot _ more space,” Jason reasoned, “Besides, you’re always welcome at the manor to play with Titus.” He paused, then added, “A dog is a lot of work, Lian. You have to walk it, and if it’s a puppy you have to house train it.”

 

“It might eat your shoes,” Roy said, “those cute blue ones Dick bought you? That’d make a good snack.”

 

“Doesn’t have’ta be a dog,” Lian said. There was silence, before Roy said,

 

“Well, I mean… a cat wouldn’t be that much work.”

 

“Until it pukes in your workshop,” Jason pointed out, “and you don’t notice until you step in it,  _ or _ it's on one of your creations.”

 

Roy made a slightly disgusted face. “No cats.”

 

Lian huffed. “We have a hamster at school.”

 

“No rodents.” Jason’s voice was stern, the response quick. He had gone a little tense, and Lian sat up, reaching over and gently pushing at his side.

 

“Jayjay a hamster is  _ really _ different from a rat-”

 

“No. Rodents.” Lian frowned, looked like she was absolutely ready to fight that point, and Roy reached down, gave her shoulder a little squeeze.

 

“Lian, listen to Jason. He said no rodents- cute as they may be.” Another little huff, and Lian was tossing the blanket off her, standing up. She stormed out of the room, and Jason and Roy listened to her head up the stairs, before her bedroom door shut- a little more forcefully than necessary. Jason sighed, reaching up to scrub his hand over his face.

 

“Great. Now she’s pissed at me.”

 

“She’s mad at  _ both _ of us,” Roy said, walking around and sitting on the couch. “Remind me to have a talk with her that door slamming is  _ still _ not okay. And it won’t ever be okay.” Roy twisted, leaned his shoulder into the couch. “But hey, now that it’s just the two of us- real talk. Some sort of pet would be good for her.”

 

“I’m not disagreeing with the idea. We just have to be smart about it.”

 

Roy hummed, tapping his fingers on his biceps. “What about a snake? How cool would that be? I bet she’d be the only kid in her class with a snake.”

 

“We’d have to feed it mice or rats, and I am  _ not _ letting them in the house.” Jason was a little pale, just  _ talking _ about it- and Roy knew better than to push. Jason’s fear of rats had been a constant since Roy had  _ re-met _ him, after his resurrection and the havoc he’d caused in Gotham.

 

Considering he’d been  _ dead _ and all, Roy didn’t fault a single one of Jason’s fears.

 

“A lizard?” Roy asked, and Jason just shrugged a shoulder. It still didn’t feel  _ right _ . “Babe, the only other thing I can think of aside of getting a damn  _ pony _ is a fish.” Jason gave a second shrug.

 

“It might be a good starting point,” he said. “If Lian can take care of it then maybe we move onto something bigger. Think it’ll be enough to please the princess?”

 

Roy laughed. “Oh, it will. By the time we go up there and tell her, she won’t even be mad anymore. She never stays mad long… not sure  _ who _ she got that from.” Jason chuckled, as Roy pushed Lian’s blanket away, crawled up onto his lap and got his hands in his hair, pushing up tight against him. “ _ Or _ , instead of a pet, we could work on makin’ her a little brother or sister.”

 

Jason snorted, laughing so hard and sharp for a moment that his ribs ached. “Oh yeah? And which one of us is  _ magically _ gonna conceive,  _ idiota _ ?”

 

Roy hummed. “You’d look good with a baby bump.”

 

Jason smacked the back of his head. “Why did I marry you?” he asked, even though he was smiling. Roy leaned closer, pecked his lips gently.

 

“Because I’m  _ charming _ and sensitive and I know how to make you fall apart?” He squeezed his thighs against Jason’s to emphasize. “And I’ve got the added bonus of being a hot dad.”

 

Another laughed, and Jason leaned up, kissed Roy quickly. “I’ll argue those points later. Let’s go tell the queen she can have a fish.”

 

*

 

The trip to the pet store came a few days later, after they had cleared sufficient space on one of Lian’s book shelves. Roy had looked up tank sizes- and by the time they had parked outside the store, they had agreed on a  _ few _ fish.

 

It wasn’t like it’d be that much more work.

 

“They’re all so pretty,” Lian said, her nose pushed right up against one of tanks, watching them swim. Her hands were splayed on the glass too, eyes darting to try and follow all of them.

 

“C’mon buttercup,” Jason said, reaching down and carefully pulling her a step back. “Don’t do that, you’re smudging the tanks.”

 

“Sorry Jay,” she said, taking his hand and walking over towards another tank. They were still studying the fish when Roy walked over, a few minutes later, holding a large box in his arms. Jason took one look at it, before sighing.

 

“Roy, that’s  _ bigger _ than we agreed on.”

 

“It’ll still fit. How is the selection coming?” They both glanced at Lian, who seemed mesmerized by all the little colorful fish.

 

“...Slow.”

 

“Can I get different kinds?” Lian asked, turning and glancing between both her dads. Roy gave her a soft smile.

 

“Sure, pumpkin.”

 

She smiled, and the fact that she had no comment over the  _ pumpkin _ bit was a testament to just how happy she truly was.

 

*

 

Jason peeked into Lian’s room, later that night. A soft knock before he pushed the door open, and she was sitting at her desk, pencil moving rapidly as she worked at her homework. She’d pulled her chair to the end of the desk, to be as close to the fish tank as possible.

 

“Hey kiddo,” he said, “everything going okay?” She looked over, smiled and nodded, and Jason stepped in. “Your dad is suiting up, if you wanna go give him a hug- I know he’d love it.”

 

“Okay.” Lian set her pencil down, pushing her chair back and standing up. She moved to walk past Jason, before she stopped, knotting her little hands together. “Jayjay?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I’m sorry I got mad the other day.” She glanced up, those pretty dark eyes guilty. “I didn’t mean to. Everyone at school has pets and I just… I dunno.”

 

“Hey, apology accepted. C’mere.” Jason crouched down, and Lian turned, wrapping her arms around his neck and hugging tightly. He kissed her temple. “It’s okay. We’re good now?” Lian nodded, staying snuggled in tight. “Good. Now, go give dad a hug too, then let’s finish up this homework. I think we’ve got time for a little  _ Cupcake Wars _ before bed.”

 

Lian giggled, pulling back and hurrying out of her room, heading quickly for the stairs. She was running down them, and Jason mentally told himself to remind her  _ not _ to run on stairs, later. Tomorrow. Maybe.

 

He walked over to the tank, bending over and peeking in, watching the fish swim around. The tank had a little light in it that he was sure would be nice, come time for Lian to head to bed- even though her constellation light that Tim had got her a few birthdays ago was something that made  _ him _ jealous.

 

He smiled. This was a good idea.

 

*

 

It was  _ not _ a good idea.

 

“Daddy,” Lian said, not two days later as she hurried into the kitchen. Roy glanced up from his phone, as she plopped down on the chair next to him, against the sound of Jason scrambling eggs over at the stove. “I think Esmerelda is sick.”

 

Esmeralda being one of the Disney named fish. Roy set his phone down. “What makes you think that?”

 

“She’s swimming funny. Can we take her to the vet?”

 

Roy glanced up as Jason walked over, setting a plate down in front of Lian. “Fish don’t exactly go to the vet, honey.” Lian frowned, and Roy reached over, tousling her hair. “You eat your breakfast and while you’re at school, Jay and I will take a look.”

 

“Okay,” she said, sounding  _ defeated _ and sad in a way that neither man was used to hearing. Thankfully, the topic of the fish was left alone, while Jason packed Lian’s lunch and Roy made sure she had all her homework in her bag. A hug for each of them, and she was out the door the time the bus rolled up-

 

And the moment the door shut, both Jason and Roy were  _ running _ for her room. They stumbled in, pausing at the tank- and sure enough, by now, Esmerelda was floating on the side, at the top, now quite obviously dead.

 

“Shit,” Roy said, “Lian is going to be heartbroken.” He settled his hands on his hips. “How did it die already? It’s been two days.”

 

“They’re fish, it happens.” Jason was peering down at the rest of them, all swimming happily. He could see a few little flakes of food still, meaning Lian had definitely fed them that morning. And the tank hadn’t even needed to be cleaned yet- “It wasn’t anything she did.”

 

“No. But she’ll think it is.” Roy reached up, rubbed the back of his neck. “Think she’ll want to, you know, have a little fish grave somewhere, or will she be okay flushing it?”

 

Jason sucked on his tongue. Lian had been so  _ excited _ about the fish, and he didn’t want to see her heartbroken- “Maybe she doesn’t have to know.”

 

Roy perked up at that, too. “Oh thank  _ god _ you’re thinking it too. I’ll get my keys, can you get it outta there for me?”

 

“Why do  _ I _ have to touch the dead fish?” Jason asked, as Roy was already out Lian’s door, heading downstairs.

 

*

 

The rush had been worth it, both Roy and Jason decided, when Lian came home and was thrilled with Esmeralda’s miraculous recovery. Crisis averted-

 

For about a week.

 

It was nearly eleven, when Jason arched up as Roy rutted between his legs. They were down to just their underwear, enjoying the fact that, for once, they’d both taken the night off. Lian was in bed- asleep, they presumed- and if they were just quiet enough-

 

“You’re such a tease,” Jason mumbled, as Roy was kissing him roughly, tongue pushing into his mouth, muffling his words. Roy bucked his hips forward, reaching down with one hand and grasping at Jason’s crotch, giving him a good squeeze. Jason tipped his head back, sighing, shifting his hips and trying to get more friction-

 

Just as the door was thrown open, and there was a very loud, “Daddy! Jayjay! Something is wrong!”

 

Roy gave a startled cry, and out of reflex squeezed. Jason gasped, tensing, jerking into more of a sitting position.

 

“What’s wrong?” Roy asked, staring at Lian with wide eyes- and thankfully, the sheet tangled around them acted as a  _ slight _ barrier, added to the fact that the lights were still off.

 

“Simba looks sick now!”

 

Oh  _ jesus _ it was the fish again.

 

Roy relaxed, before jason was shoving at his hand, “Roy,  _ let go _ .” Roy glanced down, before he jerked his hand back, and Jason flopped down, sighing with relief. Lian frowned.

 

“What were you doing?”

 

“Nothing kiddo,” Roy said. “We’ll come look at him in a minute, okay?” Lian nodded, turning and heading back towards her room. Roy sighed, flopping down onto the bed next to Jason and staring up at the ceiling.

 

“I think you just tried to squeeze the life from my dick, Harper.”

 

“Listen she startled me, I didn’t  _ mean it _ , babe. Honest.” Roy leaned over, kissed Jason’s shoulder. “I’ll kiss it all better babe,  _ honest _ . But I think we have to handle a dead fish first.”

 

Jason groaned. “If he can just not die until she’s at school tomorrow, we’re in the clear.”

 

Roy nodded, and it was the silent agreement that they were going to be playing this game for quite some time.

 

*

 

“ _ Jaybird _ , can you hear me?”

 

Jason lifted his arm, elbowing a man in the throat, as he shouted into his com, “I can. A little busy. What’s wrong?” Roy was home for the night with Lian, and his voice had carried a certain level of  _ alarm _ to it that made Jason fear something was wrong.

 

He dropped down, avoided a large man’s kick as Roy asked, “How late are pet stores open?”

 

Jason groaned. “Which one?”

 

“I don’t even know at this point, I’ll send you a picture.”

 

“Roy they’re  _ closed _ .” Jason turned, a punch sounding out against a man’s jaw and sending him crumpling to the ground. He was dropping the last as Roy said,

 

“Well, I mean- you could probably  _ get in _ .”

 

“I am  _ not _ breaking into a pet store,” Jason said, standing amid the unconscious men. “Okay? Just...fuck I don’t know. Can you fish it out without waking her up and maybe she won’t notice if she just feeds ‘em real fast in the morning?”

 

“Baby she’s  _ Lian _ she’s going to notice.” Jason cursed, a colorful string of words Roy didn’t fully understand, before Roy finally said, “We can’t keep this up, can we?”

 

“No,” Jason agreed, tugging his helmet off to pinch the bridge of his nose. “We can’t. We’ll have to talk to her in the morning.”

 

“She’s going to be heartbroken.”

 

“I know. I’ll make pancakes, maybe it’ll lighten her mood a little. The way she likes them.”

 

*

 

Whe Lian appeared in the kitchen the next morning- still in her pajamas thanks to it being the weekend- Jason and Roy were ready. Jason had a stack of chocolate chip pancakes already at her seat, each smothered with a  _ healthy _ \- sickening, according to Jason- amount of Nutella.

 

“Hi honey,” Roy said, already at his seat, hands folded and arms resting on the table. “How’d you sleep?”

 

“...Good,” Lian said, looking around. She seemed skeptical, as she glanced from her seat to her dad, over to Jason who was stacking  _ more _ pancakes onto a plate, but watching from the corner of his eyes. She walked over to her chair, sitting down, as Jason walked over, set the extra plate of pancakes at the center of the table and sat down on her other side.

 

“We need to talk to you,” Roy said, and Lian glanced between them again-

 

And then, rather loudly, “Please tell me you’re not getting a divorce.”

 

“What?” Jason asked, eyes going a little wide.

 

“Something is wrong. Tell me it’s not that.” Jason and Roy exchanged stares, before Roy sighed.

 

“Sweetie no, it’s not that. At all. It’s just… well, over the past couple of weeks with your fish-”

 

“They’ve been dyin’ and you and Jayjay have been replacing ‘em. I know daddy.” Lian picked up her fork, hesitating. “That’s it?”

 

Roy and Jason were  _ gawking _ , but they both nodded. Lian shrugged a shoulder, cutting into her pancakes.

 

“I figured it out after the first one. The kids at school said their parents have done that, and that fish just die a lot. Maybe we can get a lizard next?” Lian crammed her fork full of pancakes into her mouth, and Jason reached up, pinched the bridge of his nose.

 

“You knew this whole time?”

 

She nodded.

 

“And you let us keep doing it?”

 

Another fork full of pancakes. Another nod.

 

Jason huffed, folding his arms on the table and simply dropping his head into them, giving up completely. Roy, on the other hand, was grinning. “I should’ve known, you’re too  _ sharp _ to let anything like that get past you.” He reached over, tussled her wild and  _ badly-in-need-of-a-brushing _ hair. “You’re my daughter, after all.”

 

“She’s  _ Jade’s _ daughter,” Jason mumbled, from where he was, wondering how he had signed his life away to this. And being fairly sure that the Harpers would be the  _ second _ death of him.

 

At least it’d be a fun ride.


End file.
